Steps To Take If Your Marriage Is In Crisis
When you're Googling "what to do if your marriage is in crisis" at 2 a.m., heart pounding, tears probably not far behind—it can be a dire moment. Whether it's a sudden betrayal, years of silent resentment, or the slow realization that your connection has eroded, facing the truth that your marriage is in crisis is gut-wrenching. It can feel like everything you built is crumbling. But take a deep breath: crisis doesn't have to mean the end. It might just be the beginning of something new—stronger, clearer, more honest.
Let’s walk through how to recognize a marriage in crisis, what steps to take, and how couples counseling can help you both move forward—whether that means rebuilding together or parting ways with respect.
How Do I Know If My Marriage Is In Crisis?
The word "crisis" can feel dramatic, but many couples reach a point where it's the only word that fits. Some signs include:
Repeated conflicts that never resolve
Ongoing emotional or physical distance
Infidelity or other betrayals of trust
Loss of intimacy or interest in each other's lives
Feelings of resentment, contempt, or hopelessness
Compulsive behaviors like pornography, gambling, or emotional affairs
Living like roommates instead of romantic partners
If you recognize these patterns, you're likely in crisis mode. That acknowledgment, painful as it is, is the first step toward deciding what is right for you and for your relationship.
First, Help Yourself
Before you try to "save" your marriage, you need to help yourself. A marriage in crisis stirs up survival instincts: fear, grief, anger, shame. These emotions are real and valid—but they’re often not the ones that help us fix or repair love. They can cloud judgment, escalate conflict, and push us further away from the connection we’re trying to save. That’s why it’s essential to pause. Breathe. Give yourself space to feel without reacting. Try to slow down and reconnect with your own inner world. Therapy (individual or couples) can help you understand your triggers and what you truly want.
Zev Berkowitz, LCSW, emphasizes that couples therapy isn't about directing you toward a specific outcome. It's creating the safety to explore your reality with curiosity and honesty—together and apart.
"You're two individuals with separate histories, wounds, and needs. The first part of healing is understanding yourself, and then deciding if you're willing and able to meet your partner in a new way."—Zev Berkowitz, LCSW
Then, Consider Couples Counseling
Couples counseling can be transformative—but it asks a lot of you. There aren’t any quick fixes or overnight breakthroughs. Counseling requires carving out time and space to sit with what’s real, to talk openly about what’s been unspoken, and to learn how to connect in ways that might feel completely new.
This kind of therapy gives couples a structured, neutral space to face hard truths and practice healthier ways of being together. That might mean rebuilding trust after betrayal, learning to listen with empathy instead of defensiveness, or recognizing patterns—like the Gottman Institute’s "Four Horsemen" (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)—that silently poison connection.
At its best, couples therapy invites two people to turn toward each other rather than away. To be curious, not combative. To ask: What’s been missing? What needs to be heard? What might it take to move forward—together or apart?
And when you’re ready to explore this process with a trained professional, someone like Zev Berkowitz, LCSW, can offer thoughtful, grounded support rooted in evidence-based methods like Gottman, Imago, and Gestalt therapy.
What If You're The Only One Trying?
Sometimes, one partner is ready to fight for the relationship, and the other is checked out. That doesn’t mean all hope is lost. Working on yourself—with support—can lead to real shifts. As Psychology Today notes, one person’s growth can often inspire change in the other.
Even small efforts (validating your partner’s feelings, offering a genuine apology, changing your energy in interactions) can create momentum. And if your partner still isn’t interested? Therapy can help you clarify what to do next.
Can All Marriages Be Saved?
Not always. And not all should be. But many couples come to therapy convinced they're done, only to find a deeper layer of love and clarity waiting underneath the pain. Others use the process to part with kindness and closure.
There is no perfection in therapy. Done right, counseling is for healing—whether that’s together or apart. The goal is always growth, self-understanding, and compassionate communication.
Why Now Might Be The Moment To Act
When your marriage is in crisis, it’s easy to wait. To see if things get better on their own. To hope that time—or silence—might somehow fix it. But distance doesn’t heal disconnection. If anything, it deepens it.
Research tells us that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help for serious relationship issues. That’s six years of pain, resentment, and missed chances for repair.
The sooner you address the cracks, the more possible it becomes to rebuild. Even if things feel hopeless now, even if trust feels shattered—action is what opens the door to possibility. And that action doesn’t have to be huge. It might be a text. A therapy appointment. A single honest conversation. But you have to start.
What About The Kids?
If you share a home or co-parent, the impact of your relationship goes beyond just the two of you. Kids are deeply attuned to the emotional temperature of their caregivers. Even when nothing is said out loud, they feel the tension, the withdrawal, the conflict.
When you seek counseling, you care enough to model something different. Whether that means repairing the relationship or separating with dignity, what your children see matters. They’re not looking for perfection. They’re looking for honesty, empathy, and the ability to grow.
If your marriage is in crisis, you don’t have to figure it out alone. There is help. And there is hope. A therapist trained in couples work can guide you through the confusion, pain, and possibility of this moment.
Schedule a consultation. Take that first step.
Because the truth is: your marriage matters. And so do you.
