How Can My Marriage Survive An Affair?
Can my relationship survive an affair?
It’s one of the most heartbreaking questions a person can ask. And it usually isn’t asked calmly. It’s whispered through tears, hurled in anger, or muttered at 2:00 AM while scrolling forums and rereading old texts. When betrayal hits your marriage like a wrecking ball, everything that felt stable and safe suddenly isn’t. So—can your marriage survive this?And even if it can… should it?
Those are fair questions and if you’re here, you’re probably in the thick of it. The discovery. The explosion. The questions. The pain. And you’re trying to hold onto something that feels like it just slipped through your fingers.
Let’s slow this down for a second and talk—really talk—about what it means to survive an affair. And more importantly, what it takes.
You Are Not Alone—But It Feels Like You Are
Infidelity is more common than we like to admit. According to the Institute for Family Studies, around 20% of married individuals in the U.S. report cheating on their spouse at some point. And yet, when it happens to you, it feels like you’ve been singled out for the most personal kind of devastation.
That’s the cruel irony. Infidelity is widespread, but the emotional aftermath can feel profoundly isolating. Because no one else knows what it felt like to see that message. To hear that confession. To live with the sense that everything real is now up for debate.
Your pain is valid, and you’re not overreacting. Whether the betrayal was emotional, physical, or both—it broke something. But that doesn’t mean it’s unfixable.
What Percentage Of Marriages Survive An Affair?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but the research offers hope. Roughly 60–75% of couples who experience infidelity choose to stay together and try to work it out. Many don’t just survive—they come out stronger. But, this is not a given and it requires a monumental amount of work, honesty, patience, and guidance.
Some couples try to go it alone and end up retraumatizing each other. Others avoid the topic completely and live in emotional limbo for years. But the couples who heal? They usually don’t do it alone. They get help.
Mending Your Marriage After An Affair Is Possible—But It’s Brutal
There’s a reason people search for “how to survive an affair” in the middle of the night. The emotional chaos is exhausting. One minute you want to fight for your marriage, the next, you can’t believe you’re even considering it.
For the betrayed partner, there’s often a deep need to understand:
Why did this happen?
Was it about me?
Can I ever trust them again?
Does the pain of being cheated on ever go away?
For the partner who strayed, the feelings may include shame, guilt, defensiveness, or fear. They may want forgiveness but not know how to earn it—or worse, they want things to “go back to normal” without fully acknowledging the damage done.
Unfortunately, affairs don’t just happen out of nowhere. They’re often the result of deeper disconnection, unmet needs, or unaddressed wounds. But that doesn’t make them justified. And it doesn’t make the recovery any easier.
When To Walk Away—When To Rebuild
Sometimes, the question walks the balance between how to survive an affair and should you try?
There’s no universal answer, but a few guiding questions can help:
Is the partner who cheated willing to be fully honest, accountable, and transparent moving forward?
Is the betrayed partner open to healing—not just punishing?
Can both partners commit to the long haul of rebuilding and changing, even when it’s hard?
When trust is shattered, rebuilding includes more than simply forgiveness. The work includes creating a new foundation—one that may never look exactly like the old one, but can still be strong.
If the answer to any of those questions is a firm “no,” it might be time to walk away. And that, too, can be a courageous, healing act. As therapist Zev Berkowitz puts it, “Some couples leave therapy stronger than ever. Others use the journey to discover important truths and choose different paths—with mutual respect.”
Why You Can’t Do This Alone
Trying to mend a marriage after an affair without therapy is like trying to rebuild a house after a fire using only the charred debris. You need structure. You need a blueprint. And—most of all—you need someone who isn’t trapped in the fire with you.
Therapists trained in affair recovery use evidence-based models like:
Gottman Method, which focuses on replacing toxic communication patterns (like criticism and stonewalling) with trust-building tools like empathy and validation.
Imago Therapy, which helps partners understand how childhood wounds play into current relationship dynamics.
Internal Family Systems (IFS), which helps individuals explore the internal parts of themselves that were hurt—or acted out—during the betrayal.
Look for a therapist who begins with a combination of joint sessions and individual sessions. This allows both partners to find their footing, speak freely, and begin to process the experience in a safe, supported environment. In the early stages, you don’t want to force forgiveness or quick fixes—you’re trying to create space for each partner to be honest, accountable, and curious about what comes next.
The goal of therapy at this stage isn’t to “save” the marriage at all costs—it’s to support clarity. Whether you decide to rebuild or part ways, the process helps ensure that the decision comes from a grounded, thoughtful place—not from fear, confusion, or reactivity.
What Healing Looks Like (Even When It’s Messy)
Healing from an affair doesn’t follow a clean timeline. It’s not a neat, five-step process or a linear path toward closure. Some days feel like progress—others feel like you're back at square one. There are nights filled with awkward silence or tearful arguments, mornings when it’s hard to look each other in the eye, and moments when one or both of you might wonder if it's even worth continuing. The emotional landscape shifts constantly.
And yet—amidst the confusion and heartbreak—there can be small, meaningful breakthroughs. Maybe it’s the first time the betrayed partner feels truly heard, without being interrupted or minimized. Maybe it’s a moment of unprompted accountability from the partner who strayed—when they take ownership without being cornered. Maybe it’s a quiet, unexpected gesture of care: a cup of coffee made in the morning, a text that says “thinking of you,” or a conversation that ends with softness instead of blame.
These moments don’t erase the pain. But they can create openings—tiny cracks where light gets in. Healing is learning to carry the truth together, instead of letting it divide you.
You’re not just healing what went wrong, but understanding why it went wrong
What vulnerabilities in the relationship allowed disconnection to take root? What patterns went unspoken? What pain was buried for too long? These aren’t easy questions, but asking them honestly—without jumping to judgment—can be transformative.
It’s also necessary to sit with discomfort. Forgiveness won’t occur on command, and trust doesn’t rebuild itself overnight.
For the person who was hurt, there will be grief. There may be triggers. There may be days when everything hurts again, even if things seemed okay the day before.
For the person who did the betraying, there’s often deep shame, guilt, and fear of never being accepted again. Both people need space to be human.
This is where therapy becomes essential—not just helpful. A skilled couples therapist helps you slow down the emotional chaos, build new ways of communicating, and safely revisit the pain without getting lost in it. They can help you identify where the rupture began, explore what it means for each of you individually, and guide you in deciding whether to rebuild something new or move forward separately with integrity.
Therapy doesn’t guarantee reconciliation. But it does create a framework for healing—with or without staying together. At its best, it helps both partners become more self-aware, more honest, and more compassionate with themselves and each other.
And if you do decide to rebuild, therapy helps make that rebuild solid. It provides the scaffolding for trust, accountability, and emotional intimacy to grow again—step by step, choice by choice.
Hope Isn’t Naive—It’s Necessary
If you’re googling “how to help your marriage survive an affair” or “how to figure out if I should stay or go,” know this: you’re allowed to hope. You’re allowed to want to save your marriage. And you’re also allowed to want clarity, peace, and closure—whatever that looks like.
You don’t have to decide today. But you do need support.
If you’re hurting, stuck, or scared—you don’t have to do this alone. Zev Berkowitz, LCSW, offers compassionate, experienced couples therapy focused on rebuilding trust, healing from betrayal, and helping both partners make informed, empowered choices about the future.
Whether your goal is reconciliation or clarity, he will meet you with empathy, structure, and deep respect for your journey.
Schedule your first appointment today to learn more about how Zev helps couples navigate infidelity recovery with insight, care, and professionalism.
