Marriage & Lack Of Intimacy... Is Divorce In Your Future?
"My sexless marriage is killing me."
It’s a phrase couples therapist Zev Berkowitz, LCSW, hears more often than you might think. Whether whispered through tears or dropped into the silence between sessions, the weight of those words is undeniable.
When you're in a marriage defined by a lack of intimacy, everything starts to feel out of sync. You're not just talking about sex. You're talking about feeling unwanted, unseen, and disconnected from the person you once felt closest to. You may be asking:
Is this just a phase, or the beginning of the end?
What happened to the romance, the laughter, the closeness?
Am I asking for too much, or not doing enough?
And perhaps the hardest question of all: Can this even be fixed?
What Counts As A Sexless Marriage?
If you're having sex once a month—or less—you might be wondering whether that "counts." While there is no scientific definition of a “sexless” relationship, it’s generally considered to be when a couple has not been sexually intimate for at least a month, with this frequency being the norm for at least the past six months.
But frequency is only one piece of the puzzle. The more telling sign is this: how do you feel about it?
If the absence of physical intimacy leaves you feeling rejected, resentful, or lonely, it’s a signal that something deeper needs attention. Conversely, some couples are perfectly content with infrequent sex when emotional closeness remains strong. Each couple is different and if your emotional needs are being met, then your relationship, whether or not you’re having sex, is working for you.
Why Do Marriages Become Sexless In The First Place?
There’s no single cause. But clinical experience and the research point to a common thread: disconnection that builds over time.
Factors may include:
Unresolved conflicts or betrayals (such as infidelity or compulsive behaviors)
Stress and mental health struggles, including depression and anxiety
Physical health issues or hormonal changes
Emotional distance and communication breakdowns
Parenting stress and lack of alone time
In many cases, sex becomes the barometer of a couple’s emotional health. When communication falters or resentment builds, the physical connection is often the first thing to fade. The longer this goes unaddressed, the harder it can be to reignite.
How To Cope When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want Sex
This is one of the most common and painful dynamics in long-term partnerships. One partner may feel undesired or emotionally neglected, while the other feels overwhelmed, misunderstood, or even pressured. When sex becomes a source of tension or silence, rather than connection, both people can start to feel alone—even when they’re lying side by side in the same bed.
Instead of focusing on how to "make" a spouse want sex, it can be far more helpful to explore the layers beneath the surface:
Is there unspoken resentment, disappointment, or emotional pain that hasn’t been addressed?
Has intimacy become tangled with obligation, duty, or past rejection, instead of mutual desire?
Is one partner experiencing performance anxiety, body image concerns, trauma, or sexual aversion?
Has the relationship shifted to more of a roommate dynamic, where affection and playfulness have quietly faded?
Are there life stressors—like parenting demands, aging, grief, or burnout—that are draining emotional or physical energy?
When couples begin to explore these dynamics—ideally in a supportive environment such as therapy—they often learn to:
Talk about intimacy with vulnerability rather than blame, which helps defuse defensiveness while building trust
Rebuild emotional closeness through everyday connection, long before physical intimacy is addressed
Engage in non-sexual forms of touch and affection, to create a sense of safety and warmth again
Rebuilding sexual connection takes time, tenderness, and a willingness to rediscover—not force—the desire to be close. And if intimacy doesn’t return in the way one or both partners hoped, the process of exploration can still lead to important clarity about how to move forward with honesty and compassion.
Understanding The Layers Of Intimacy
Zev’s work with couples focuses on four essential pillars: communication, trust, intimacy, and respect. While those words are often used interchangeably, intimacy—emotional and physical—can be one of the most elusive to reclaim.
A survey report entitled “The Social Organization of Sexuality” published in 1994 (and is still relevant today), reports that up to 20% of married couples see a reduction in the frequency of sex in their relationship. Some even report having a sexless marriage. The reasons for this are as varied as the people involved: stress, health conditions, unresolved conflicts, past betrayals, and unspoken resentment all play a role.
What Zev emphasizes in therapy is this: intimacy doesn’t die overnight. It withers slowly when couples stop turning toward each other in moments of need, desire, or even daily interaction.
The Impact Of Compulsive Behaviors On Intimacy
In many relationships struggling with intimacy, one or both partners may turn to coping mechanisms that, over time, become harmful compulsive behaviors: pornography, sexting, gambling, overeating, or compulsive social media use. At first, these behaviors may soothe feelings of rejection or loneliness. But the relief is temporary—and the long-term impact is devastating.
Research shows that compulsive sexual behaviors, including excessive pornography use, are associated with diminished relationship satisfaction, increased conflict, and a reduction in emotional and sexual intimacy. Similarly, compulsive gambling has been linked to erosion of trust, financial stress, and emotional distancing, all of which compound intimacy challenges.
When clients feel ashamed, misunderstood, and desperate. They say things like:
"My wife turns me down for intimacy, so I turn to porn. But afterwards, I just feel worse."
"I hide my spending because I think I’m trying to prove I’m a provider. But the guilt eats at me, and she’s furious when she finds out."
These aren't isolated stories. They're common patterns—ones that therapy can help unravel.
How Zev Can Help Couples Rebuild (or Release)
At Zev Berkowitz, the approach centers on creating a space where both partners can be honest about what they want, what they’ve lost, and whether they’re still willing to reach for each other.
With training in Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, and Gestalt techniques, Zev helps couples:
Identify where the breakdown in emotional and physical connection began
Address compulsive behaviors with compassion, structure, and accountability
Relearn small "i" intimacy: moments of closeness that precede sexual reconnection
Develop empathy and curiosity about each other’s unmet needs and hurts
Sometimes, couples come to therapy wanting to stay but needing to heal first. Other times, therapy becomes a way to part amicably, with honesty and care—for themselves and for their children.
"It’s not always about saving the relationship," Zev says. "It’s about helping two people become the healthiest versions of themselves—so they can choose, clearly and compassionately, what comes next."
If you’ve been googling phrases like "no romance in marriage", "feeling disconnected from partner", or "how to rebuild intimacy in a sexless marriage", know this: what you’re experiencing is real, valid, and more common than you think.
But it’s also something you don’t have to face alone.
Whether your next chapter involves rebuilding your marriage—or rebuilding yourself—Zev is here to help you find the clarity, connection, and courage to move forward.
Ready to take the first step?
Schedule an appointment with Zev Berkowitz, LCSW. Let's talk about what’s possible.
